Mistreena

Wow. A year and a half. It's been a while. Life has been hectic - working full time in a busy exhausting job, and not doing as much art as I would like. I've mostly been using my website and FB pages to share my work. I'm not sure if I will be continuing to use DA or if I will procrastinate on it as well - I have a hard time using more than one or two social medias xD I'm too busy doing other things.
BUT I just wanted to say hi, I exist! I'm still alive! If interested you can find me at www.mistreena.weebly.com or www.facebook.com/mistreenasmysticcreations

Cheers~!

So apparently the last time I checked my DA was back in August. It's now November! And NaNoWriMo! Things are much better with work - I'm finally where I'm supposed to be! Yay! Anyways, Wanted to make a small update that things are better, and that I will (eventually) catch up on my messages here xD maybe. But I need to get writing my NaNo first.

Welcome to the Adult World, they said. Welcome to a real job in the real world, where you work 40 hours a day and go home and try to do housework and sleep and get up and do it again. A world where you don't choose your hours, and where promises are broken.

Welcome to a world where you don't get to do your fun extra-curricular activities, even when those activities include planning super awesome events that tons of locals look forward to every year, and raising money for a great local charity. Booking time off? Not really an option.

Not even when it was promised as an option. "As long as you're not booking too much time off and you give the three weeks' notice, you should be fine to book off your events, because this is obviously something very important to you and we want you to be able to keep doing it".

That's what I was told when I started. I was also told "we're hiring you for [department] because you'll be bored to death on cash" by the store manager.

I've been at this job for almost a month and a half. I shouldn't be this frustrated, but I still haven't left cash yet. I understand, we lost a lot of cashiers with the onset of the school year, and once more cashiers are hired I can go to the department I was supposed to be in, right?

Another cashier who's been on cash for 2 years was originally hired for the same position I was.

I kept asking managers, but I'm being kept on cash pretty much indefinitly, as we need cashiers.

That was what irked me, frustrated me.

Today I found out that, for the second time now, time I booked off for a dentist appt. was not given to me. I made sure to book it off before that 3 week time frame (also booking one of my events off, a whole 7 weeks+ in advance). I handed it directly to the cash manager instead of to the other person like last time. I made sure. Today when I bring it up with my manager they replied with "oh sometimes that happens when you give it to [the other person], you need to give it to me". I did. "are you sure". Yep. Cause you were the one who showed me how to properly fill one out, and where to find the sheets, etc. I put it in your hand before walking away to continue my shift that day.

So the manager is gonna see what they can do with my dentist appointment shift. I got worried about the other, REALLY important time off request for my event. It's on Nov 1st, and everyone wants that weekend off. That's why I booked it so early, so far in advance - so that I could be first in line. So that I will definitely get it. But apparently my booking the time off screws up their "weekend off every 3 weeks" schedule for full-time cashiers, and since everyone wants it off the manager can't guarantee I get it. I stressed the importance of this day. When I filled out the form I had mentioned wanting another event day off, but had decided against it because I don't want to rock the boat, I don't want to screw up schedules too much, and I need this other event off way more than the second one I was considering. There's loads more events that I would have loved to have booked off, but didn't, because I don't want to book too much time off. I'm not that inconsiderate.

Yet I feel like a selfish bitch for asking for this ONE FUCKING DAY off (on top of a convention and date with my husband I had booked back in July, a month before I started the job, which took place end of Aug/first of Sept.). I haven't even booked the next event in mid-Nov. off yet. And I feel like the manager is using this condescending tone, like I'm being talked down to (AGAIN! This is like the 4th lecture about booking time off work I've gotten from work so far in the past month and a half!!!!!!!!!!!), like I'm some selfish little high school brat who thinks that work is just a game and it's no big deal if I stir things up too much. No, I don't want to rock the boat. I feel like I'm doing my best not to be too selfish. I even missed helping my 70-something year old grandmother move because I didn't want to book too much time off right away, for fuck's sake! But they only see some little shit causing trouble by booking time off work, don't they? Some kid playing at being an adult who doesn't know that booking time off work screws up their normal schedule, and other cashiers who have been there for AGES won't cover my days I need booked off, so therefore the manager can't promise to book it off for me. Now to me, that just sounds like a F'd up system where the manager is like "okay, so these employees refuse to let their schedule be changed so I can't let you have time off, k thnx bye"

And I mention this to people. My husband. My mom. Others. I'm told "that's life". "How do you think I felt all those years?" "How do you think I feel with my job?"

I feel like a pile of  of selfish shit that should just go sit in a corner.

I feel like I have two options: Pay bills and give up on ever having any kind of happiness (IE, my event planning, which is my dream job) OR Not give a shit if I get fired because I value my dream job that doesn't pay and probably won't actually get me anywhere above an actual job.

What happens when I value both equally? This happens. This right here. This feeling like shit and crying into a keyboard. This crap that was the cause of me being put on anti-depressants in the first place. This tidal wave of frustration and confusion and misdirection. This feeling of loneliness, like no one understands, like the only people who do understand, even though they try, can't really help me any. Like I should keep trying for a better job, but what the fuck is there better than 40 hours a week, when no one hires for that anymore? Like what the fuck chance to I have at ever being able to have a job that I both enjoy AND allows me to have my life outside of work? Is that even possible?

How the fuck am I supposed to get up and go to work at 6:30 tomorrow morning when I feel like this at 11pm?

Hello All!!!

I know I don't update as often as I should, but life is busy - and it recently got busier. I started waitressing part time (which means loooong shifts which leave me exhausted and in need of much rest for sore feet and sore wrists! Pretty hard to write, paint, or craft with sore wrists!). The good news is: A new job, less time sitting at home watching TV, more income to pay for things like notebooks, pens, art and craft supplies, and delicious food. It also means new experiences. Maybe someday I'll write about being a waitress. For now though, I am just concentrating on actually doing the waitressing, and writing one amusing yet serious story.

For those of you who don't know, I participate as often as I can in a weekly Writer's Huddle (secret location is secret hehe!) where we receive a one- or two-word prompt and just sit down and write whatever comes to mind. Two weeks ago the March Hare came to mind. Think Alice in Wonderland. For some reason, though, he went to visit a girl named Annabelle.

She was delighted to see him, though he wore such a serious expression on his face. They sat in the sitting room and while her maid brought the tea, she turned to the March Hare and said, "Now Mister Hare, what exactly has my dear brother gotten himself into?"

Of course I was quite surprised to hear such words come out of the young lady's mouth. What exactly has her brother, a seemingly troublesome young man, gotten himself into? It's obvious to me that Mister Hare is a good friend of her brother's, and that he has some clue as to some goings on that have occurred - very serious goings on that may have placed the young man's life in jeopardy!

The next week the prompt led me to the Mad Hatter and his hat shop. Mister Hare was given a rather more gentlemanly name, and his animal features were removed in favour of being a human being. I could re-write it as the more fantastical, but I really favour using the metaphors over the blunt "March Hare" and "Mad Hatter" descriptions. It also allows so much more characterisation.

At any rate, this is my current project. I have some greeting cards underway, but it's this story that has caught my attention - at least on Wednesday nights!

Anyhoo, that's it for the updates Hope you all have yourselves a grand evening (or day, as it will likely be day by the time anyone reads this)!

I don't normally write journals like this, but I'm so frustrated right now that maybe writing about it will help.

The most frustrating thing is that it's not just one thing. Okay, there's the overwhelmind lack of employment and anything to do with my life and the feeling of "My life sucks, I need a  new one because this one is going no where fast". I was fine with that (okay, not really, but I was managing!) until today. Okay, yesterday when talking about it with a good friend reminded me of how hopeless I feel. But really, today. Two good friends had a bit of a . . .falling out? Stupid really. One said they would buy movie tickets a week ago, and the other said "sure". A week later, the other friend leading a super busy life forgot all about that promise of movie tickets and the first friend spent money they didn't have only to find out that the other friend was not able to make it to the movie. Friend A should have double checked, Friend B should have remembered, and Me stuck in the middle is getting frustrated hearing both of them complain. Okay, they didn't complain for long. Friend B explained to me and I explained to Friend A who grumbled, I re-explained and shortly after they stopped grumbling. I think it was because they got distracted about picking up Friend C before going to the movies. Anyways, it frustrated me. Last time something silly like this happened the friends grumbled for quite a while. To top it off, I've got two other friends who aren't talking to each other. I'm not even involved in that, because they're not involving me, which is nice for a change, but still frustrating because they're both friends and it's like ARGHGHGHGHHGH WILL YOU STOP HIGH SCHOOL DRAMA SHIT FUUUUUUUUU

I always get stuck in the middle. The last THREE times this happened, I wound up not being close friends with anyone anymore. 1: I was still friends for about a year before we stopped hanging out. 2: we were still friends for about half a year before we stopped hanging out. 3: we were still friends for about half a year before I got blocked on facebook for asking for my textbook back (Like seriously? I can't think of ANY other thing I said or did, period. Not said or did wrong, because how is asking for a book I lent them and need back a BAD THING? Said, in general). I don't talk to any of them anymore, except occassionally on Facebook. I don't want this to happen with these friends. I feel like I either sit in the middle and say "you're both my friends!" or "I'm not taking sides" and I lose both friends, or . . . I don't know. The last time I actually did pick a side. It was more like "I can't believe they would do/say that!" but I still hung out with whoever wanted to hang out with me, it's just that one side wanted to hang out with me more than the other and the other side kinda . . . stopped hanging out with me. Then the side that hung out with me kinda stopped talking to me a lot. Sigggghhhhhhh. I dunno.

So friends being frustrating and me not wanting all this stupid drama around me and my not being able to stop thinking about the stupid drama (I mean seriously, it wasn't that big a deal. Why am I torturing myself by thinking about it so much? I don't want to think about this! But my brain won't turn off. When it switches topics, it's to something worse . . . see next section of ugh I hate my life)

Right, so anyways, moving on, I need a job. Like, not for the money (though money is good, bills need to be paid), but so that I can stop being depressed about my life sucking right now. Because my life sucks.

You'd think with all this free time on my hands I'd be able to accomplish great feats of artwork and/or writing! You'd think. -.-

I decided to participate in Camp NaNo in order to push myself.
I'm going to a craft market next weekend and have one week to finish making greeting cards and whatever artworks I want to bring.

I'm unable to do either. No, not "unable". I just . . . I sit and say "I need to do this" and then I stare at a wall or this computer screen and tears well up in my eyes and my vision gets blurry like it is right now and I'm like, yeah, I need to do stuff. Come on, you can do it! Just get out of the chair, and walk to the living room.
I walk to the living room. I turn on Netflix or a movie and curl up on the couch and just sit there for hours.
Then I'm like, I should get food. It's almost suppertime and I haven't eaten breakfast yet.
I'm losing weight. Those of you know know me in real life know how bad this really is. I needed to put weight on before I started losing weight in the first place. I need to get the energy to make myself food, but because I'm not eating I don't have the energy to get up and make myself food. It's too much work, and I'm not hungry half the time anyways. When I am hungry, it's usually at night when I'm so tired I'm heading to bed because I can't stand I'm so sleepy.

What I'm writing right now is the truth. It's scary. It's scaring me because I shouldn't be this depressed right now - things aren't actually that bad for me! My EI went through so it's not like I need a job to pay rent. I can afford food - and treats! I can afford to eat out every day if I wanted to (I just don't - it's still expensive, and unhealthy, and I would have to get dressed and drive places . . . and I don't have the energy for that). Things are going well for wedding planning, and that's exciting and fun! (So why am I not excited?) I have great friends who if they read this (and I know some of you will), you'll probably message me or text me or call me right away to send virtual hugs and words of comfort, or just plain smack me upside the head and tell me to eat something, or tell me it's gonna be okay and that they're there for me 'cause my friends are all awesome like that. Which is why I haven't really told anyone this stuff yet. I only mentioned it a little bit the last two days to only a couple people. My mom doesn't know, and please don't tell her. She'll want to smack me upside the head (figuratively, of course) and tell me to get out of this funk, that I can beat the depression like every other time I beat it, like every time she beat it. She'll tell me to do this and that and yeah Mom, I know. I've heard it all before and trying to do all the things that I need to be doing but I just . . . I can't. I don't have the energy or the strength to do anything right now. I'm trying, I am.

I'm trying. I booked myself for fleamarkets, and the craft market, and made plans to hang out with friends and do this, and that, and the other thing. And when I have plans to do things on certain days at certain times, I can do it. It's not that hard to force myself to do something when someone else is expecting me to be there and doing that thing. This is why I need a job. What's the point in seeing a doctor about my depression when the solution is getting a job? What's the point in seeing a counsellor when they will only advise things that I'm already trying to do? I'm trying to make my Monday-night Zumba class to get my exercise, because exercise helps with depression. I'm taking my Vit D with my Calcium supplement. I'm not eating well because I'm too (lazy?) tired to actually make enough food for 3 meals a day, let alone decent food.

It's weird to be able to sit here and write about it. It's like, it sounds so easy when it's written like that. I could just get up and put some food in the oven and cook it and then eat it.

It sounds so easy.

It used to be easy. Throw chicken nuggets on a pan, throw them in the oven for 10 minutes, flip, another 10 minutes and it's done. You can't get any easier. But it requires getting up, finding clean dishes, setting a timer and coming back 10 minutes later. It requires jaw muscles to move to chew the food. I feel like I sound lazy. It sounds so lazy! I'm too tired to move my jaw muscles to eat? But not too tired to type.

(Hey, what do you know? Calling myself lazy worked! I put chicken in the over. It's 10:57pm. Time to make supper.)

Those of you who have suffered depression may or may not have felt this same way. I say "may not" because I've suffered depression before. This is the first time I've ever had the losing-weight, not-eating problem. I'm usually more prone to eat than to not eat. I love food. I can't function without food. I'm probably diabetic but am too scared of being diabetic and not being able to drink pop and eat candy and chocolate to get my doctor to run tests to find out. This is strange and unusual for me. The thinking about things and bursting out crying and feeling helpless and hopeless and being able to put on a happy face in front of friends and family but fall apart once I'm alone, that's all stuff I've dealt with before. But this is a whole new level of depressed for me. The things I want to do aren't appealing, and that's also pretty new. This has only happened once before - a summertime before I had a job and was home with nothing to do all day long.

I'm not asking for help. I'm not asking for pity or sympathy. I just thought that maybe getting all these thoughts out will help me. At the very least, I have food cooking, so it's helped some.

PS - Even with all this going on, I still find myself so busy for an unemployed person. I'm always on the go. Maybe that's because I'm looking for something to fill this void and making appointments with friends and the fleamarkets and such is the only thing that's helping me right now. I just need to structure the rest of my life.